A boy with a spoon - - - Rhys Rodgers

Do you know what is awesome? Climbing Mt Coolum at night with some sleeping bags and a few friends. Staring at the stars and moonlit clouds and the lights of little people below us.

Why did we do it?
Because we are young.
because life is short.
because adventure is sitting around waiting for someone to hug it.
because we can.
because there is no reason not to.
Because it is the middle of winter.
because it is cold and dark and dangerous.
because this is what life is about.
because fun is fun.
because we haven’t done it before.
Because we are OBLIGATED to suck every good thing out of this life time, and to sit at home watching television is lazy and irresponsible and criminal and wrong.
And because we owe it to ourselves to come alive.
because we deserve to come alive.
no, not just exist, actually live.

This is what I am all about nowadays - actually living.

And here is something I have learnt - you cant wait for other people to organize mountain climbing star gazing adventures. Sometimes they will, but most of the time they wont. I will go out on a generalizing limb here and say that MOST PEOPLE, 95% of people, are not the people who get up and MAKE STUFF HAPPEN. That means if i rely on other people to make stuff happen, there is only a 5% chance that stuff will… happen. I don’t like those odds. I think I am going to have to rely on myself. I think I am going to have to get some initiative and make life worth it. ok? ok, lets do that.

When Justin and I were backpacking through Israel we met an interesting person. He was some American dude, apparently a musical genius but VERY American (read: self centered, egotistical, frustrating bastard). It’s a bit hard to explain why I detested him so much. It’d best described through this one incident.

A bunch of us from the Hostel migrated down to the old city. We trampled through rivers of icy water, counting the twisted wreckages of umbrellas as we went. It was a very uncomfortable but very fun day. Jerusalum only experiences snow fall every 5 or 10 years, so most of the stores were closed. This American was complaining about the weather and how miserable everything was, then he found a store, “here, here, take of photo of me bartering with this guy! face book!” he smiled. He got his friend to take the photo a few times to make sure he looked perfect, and then raved about how jealous all his friends would be. “It looks like I’m having heaps of fun. I’m not. the weathers crap, but they dont know that.”

How twisted is that? More important than actually having a good time, is having other people THINK you are having a good time. Spending more time thinking about what other people are thinking about you, than just living in the moment. It isnt healthy or cool to derive that much satisfaction from others jealousy.

I really hate that vainity. And I’ve seen it in alot of people. The way they have private jokes and recall funny storys, i can tell they are (maybe even subconsciously?) more interested in makeing the people around them BELIVE that they have had SOOOO much fun, than actually haveing fun for real.

My mother told me something that I belive to be an eternal truth. The things you dislike most about other poeple, are the things you dislike most about yourself. Whenever something gets on my nerves, i try to remember to turn introspective and see if I display that habit or trait myself.

Lately I’ve been really coinsious of what others think about me. Maybe it’s because I’ve hung out with a few key people these last few weeks who seem to have a few interesting dramas happening in their lives, and being a good freind, I have shown alot of interest in their affairs and somehow ended up feeling like a boring leech who lives off other people. I am Jealous and I wish I knew how to control that emotion, I wish I could turn that switch off, but nobody wrote that one in the manual.

I have done some things so that I will be able to tell people I have done them, rather for the sake of just doing it and enjoying it. Example: Tuesday night I slept on the verandah, because there were really beautiful stars and it was a wonderful spontanious thing to do, it was also a cold and hard thing to do and i probably wouldnt have done it if i haddent of been thinking of people reactions when i tell them about my crazy wildness.

I have been thinking about my hair, and how I look - which is a horrible trap to fall into. Also i find myself trying to magnify my own emotions. Honestly, my life has no real dramas. I am not in love with anybody and nobody is in love with me. I don’t have any “issues”. But its almsot as if i have been trying to fool myself into beliving that i do have serious problems.

I am a happy person. I am a relitivly together person. I am not screwed up. I am not depressed. I do not want to run into the night becuase I just cant take this whirlwind reality any longer. But I have been trying to convince myself that i am these things. I have been wanting a romantic acquaintance, which i know is a really destructive thing to crave - Especially if you want to be a free spirit, un-tethered to the earth. That means no partners, pets or pot plants - as few physical objects as possible and just as few obligations.

(actually, that is a lie, more than romance, I am craving other people to THINK I have a romance. to TALK about me when I am not in the room. for my life to be a bit of a soap opera. “oh my gosh, are you dateing *****”). wouldn’t that be wonderful, to always be on peoples lips? for people to think you are interesting? For people to be jealous of me instead of me being jealous of them. to be in the center, in the spot light.

I know that craving attention is one of my biggest weaknesses. But just like any sort of lust, lusting after attention, clothes, objects, your own appearance, certain people, self image, power, money, sex. That sort of craving can NEVER be satisfied. That lust/greed/selfishness is like a monster that lives inside of you. I crave attention, so if I feed it attention will the cravings stop? no. By feeding the monster it just grows stronger and more powerful. You have to starve it off.

Also I have decided that self-pity is a sin. And that i have no right so be complaining or disatisfied. That is ungratefulness and it is lying. I am more than satisified with the hand fate has delt me. Love has been kind to me. Life has been good to me.

“Your grace is sufficient for me.” Somehow I have to figure out what that means and how I can be satisfied with God’s grace, rather than all this other stuff I am craving, all these impersonations of authentic love. It will be interesting, but the bible says we should revel in hardships and crap stuff because that is the only way you can grow and blossom into the perfect version of you. So I am happy I am experiencing these things because I feel confident that I will be able to put this puzzle together.

The report on the later end of my week of LIFE!!!

Thursday. Me and Amon gardened with Nanna. something I try to do every week and is always a fun time. I think gardens are very spiritual things and I recently read in The Alchemist, the natural word just exists as one giant metophore to help us understand life. I think that is very true. Then I had my BIG DAY OF WRITING. I had home group that night with was better than usual. Above board conversation! hoorah!

Friday I worked. I watched the hunchback of Notredam and almost cried! Disney is so powerful! sigh! That night I gate crashed Elises 18th birthday party. It was heaps of fun. Drunk people are mostly always fun to be around, and I made some new friends Erin and Alex, whomb I definatly want to meet up with next saturday.

Saturday I went to this strange meeting thingy at church. It was very interesting, kinda all about our senior pastors passing on their wisdom and everything. Then me and Amon went out and I bought A virgin prepaid sim card! AHHHH! this was a MASSIVE event in my life as I havent had any phone credit for 3/4 of a year now. It was a very big step for me and quite the emotional experience. I wanted to climb mt Coolum and stargaze and then sleep on the beach that night, but there was a massive storm, so instead I stayed in and had a Family Fun Night! board/card games are so under rated. I really adore them.

Sunday. Today I went to church and watched Luke get baptised. It twas great. We were going to have an after party on the beach, but it was raining, so we migrated back home and had a nice lunch. Then we watched Once which Luke calls the best movie in the world, and it was pretty powerful. I watched my Israel DVD (sigh, nostalgia) and the Cowlings came over for afternoon tea. I sooo want to visit them in the Solomon islands. Tonight Kim is having her 21st. It shall be excellent. cant wait.

The Mt Coolum adventure has been postponed to next weekend. so if you are a local reader, be at the car park 7pm nxt saturday night. we are going to climb and star gaze and then sleep on the beach and maybe stumble to church in the morning. hoorah for life!

Operation LIVE is going excellently!

on Monday I had an intense day of writing. Yes, there was lots of procrastination but I also got alot done. Then I got dad to disconnect my computer from the internet as I had identified it as a LIFE SUCKING PIT OF SATAN. liberation! Then i went with the fam to a prayer meeting thingy at church and Amon and me stayed up late with a “HAPPY NEW FINANCIAL YEAR” party. We dressed up like money , toasted marshmellow cookie creations over the stove and watched the funniest you-tube videos of all time!

on Tuesday I went to mooloolaba beach to be an artist with Luke and Aaron. They played guitars and I wrote some poetry and then we all wrote a song together and ate chips. It twas cool. Then I worked and went out to the movies with jarrah (to see Prince Caspian). Then after that I met Tallon at the Warf Tavern and we sliced up the dance floor. I had all the moves. It was so much fun. I almost didnt go out with him because I usually hate sitting around being tired with drunk friends - but I seized the oppertunity and it worked out great. Caught a ride with Random Sam over to Kahns and I crashed at his place for the night.

On Wednesday I worked in the morning then walked all the way back to mooloolaba where my car was parked. I read some of the wizard of Oz (excellent book) and then Kahn and me met up with Chris. Kahn put his foot through the floor of my car, It was quite funny. I’m really happy that I dont care about material stuff too much. sure, my car now has a hole in it, so what? it still drives. We ended up sitting at pt Cartwrite drinking beers (me = watching them drink beers). I came home and discovered the state of origion party I was going to go to didnt exist, so I watched Ugly Betty with hayden instead (much preferable).

This stuff happened because I was looking for stuff to happen. Usually I would just go home after work and do I-dont-know-what. But since I have decided to seize the day I am thinking “ok, how else can I make the most out of today?” Some stuff I had to plan and organsie. Other stuff people invited me to things THEY had planned and organised, and other stuff just happened because I was ready to do something fun and I was around other ppl who were ready to do something fun and then we did something fun.

anyway, i feel like this could be a two thumbs up week if i keep going like this. And I havent had a two thumbs up week for about a month. I have had alot of of two thumbs up weekends, but some pretty unusually excellent things have to happen for a two thumbs up week. like, bubbly joy feelings and wat-not. wish me luck and check out my favorite Poet of ALL TIME!!!!! her you-tube video is HERE.

I am very into LIFE at the moment.

Last weekend:

Friday night youth had a bonfire at my place. twas wonderful. fire was enchanting. spot light was fun. eating roasted apples and banana’s with mars bars inside was divine.

Saturday. Missed the Dipples beach party, alas! later I took the train to see Angus in Burpengary and ended up in the middle of Adam’s 21st birthday party which had started that morning. We all went to Bribie Island to run in circles on the beach (the best invention of all) and play on the most awesomest playground of my LIFE! (hoorah for playgrounds).

One Sunday we stopped By Angus’ church for a few minutes (which was nice, people speaking in tounges, waving coplourful flags in the air, spontantiously convulsing under the influence of the spirit) and then continued on the train up to Brisbane to meet my Poets.

I love hanging out with Jeremy and Micheal. We are like the three muskateers of Poetry. Conversation is always great. Hoorah for kindered spirits! We checked out the archive bookstore (heeeeeaven) and got sick at the 24hr pancake place.

This morning I woke up before the sun so I could pray at pt Cartwright. Was quite good but I tend to always feel this emotion when I pray: devestated. Just overwhelmed by everything! ah!

And I thought, how much funner was my weekend to my normal (working) life? (clue: alot).

Why don’t I live like this every day? Why don’t I seize EVERY day? I want to sleep in places I haven’t slept before. I want to explore the midnight hours I hardly ever visit, those alien slots of time. I want to walk new paths, I want to meet new people. I want to go on adventures that are exciting and interesting and DIFFERENT from what I always do. No, i don’t want to go out for coffee, I don’t want to see a movie and I don’t want to stay in just because Its a weeknight!

I want to LIVE. I want to climb mt Coolum and stargaze! I want to have a tea party with 50 friends! I want to get 100 people to buy 100 soft serves from McDonalds. I want to read poetry in the park (doing this Tuesday! yah!)

This week - the challenge. LIVE. every day. every one of my seven days. To the FULLEST. Don’t repeat the same motion over and over. be crazy! life is crazy. do it.

Why do things turn out a certain way that just makes you want to fall on your sword?

Title: When you realize that life had been happening while you were asleep, and you think, last night would have been a good time to die. Last night was a very good full-stop place.

Poem: When I opened the refrigerator this morning,
I was crushed under the mountain of yesterdays cold (half eaten) emotions.
Why did we even have that party?
Any why did we step onto the veranda?
I know how you get underneath stars - having to pour everything out of you.
Shivering and half digested things.
A premature birth of semi developed emotions that got caught in your fishnet stockings and ended up cuddled in bed between you and me and the layers of our skin.
Thats how things go when you live in a city,
and everyone you know is busy pretending that they aren’t dieing one day at a time.

Dear world.

Two things.

1. Read this most excellent poem I plan on performing this weekend at Speed Poets.

2. Bow respectfully before you approach, and slice me down the lemon.

The Offerings.

My Science teacher told me how in India, they use homeless people for science experiments at universities.

Not while they’re still alive.

After they have died from whatever it is that kills homeless people.

“Nobody misses them,” he tells us. “Its ok, because nobody misses them”.

He is grinning at the genius of it all.

He is happy they are useful for something.

He is proud of how humans can suck out every useful thing.

Like the Nazi’s – who extracted every tiny filling, before scraping the wasted people into graves. Hundred’s at a time.

Its not like there was anything else to do with the bodies.

It’s not like they were going to have funerals.

Like real people. who have friends to mourn them.

They pick them up in trucks, like bags of garbage.

Trucks and trucks of wasted people.

And I thought, is this a sign?

What dose it mean when we start harvesting discarded bodies for university students to pick over?

Bodies. The faeces of society.

The abject droppings of our roaring Babylon.

Those people who “fall through the cracks”.

How dose anyone fall through the cracks?

What are the cracks?

Weird side effects of society, our mutant children?

If you want to have banks, and postal systems and fast food services, you also have to have cracks, and people will fall through them.

And this is acceptable.

Then my Ancient History teacher told me how on the island of Crete they made, human sacrifices.

Everybody winced. This was disgusting.

And I thought, are we that different?

These stray human beings, tossed into the offering basket.

Strapped to the operating table. Precision-surgeons, we extract everything from them.

Comfort, Pride, Self worth, Faith in humanity, Dignity.

And then, even at the very end, after death has claimed the scraps.

We use their insides, in our classrooms.

To train more precision-surgeons, for more operations.

Genius.

There are no major-life-changing-decisions - Only lots of little decisions every day.

There are no mountains to climb - Just millions of tiny mole hills.

There are no years to compleate - Just one day, repeated over and over.

Children never have a first word - They just make noises that sound more and more like words.

A boy has never ‘become’ a man - he just gets less and less a boy and more and more a man over time.

Humans like to invent BIG THINGS. Mountains to climb, red lines to cross. Big things.

But there are no big things - just lots and lots of little things that look big if you stare at them from a distance.

I will not write a book - I will just decide to sit down and write for one hour. And I will repeat this little thing over and over.

No one has ever wasted a year or a month or even a week. These things do not exist. You can only waste a day (over and over).

Do not waste a single day because a life time is just one day repeated.

Do you know how people waste life times? They just waste one day, over and over.

Seize every day and every tiny oppertunity because this is all there is. Life exists in the little things. Take your little things with both hands and rip them apart!

Big things do not exist. Success, life, love, everything, it is all made out of millions of little things.

Amen.

The first thing you need to know is that for as long as I can remember I have had a phobia of public toilets. I was probably molested in them when I was 4 and have suppressed the memory’s. I always try to avoid seeing other people in them at ALL COSTS.

The other day I was at uni, writing my beautiful book. (coming along nicely thank you). I was having a toilet break (aka, hiding from the next paragraph in a shivering heap) when I heard someone come into the bathroom! Oh no! I was TRAPPED! I couldn’t leave! I listened to them moving around… and finally decided they must be in the other cubical. It was safe to come out…

I slowly creeked out. AAArrrrgh! There he was! Washing his hands! Alas alas!

We gave each other funny ‘we are both in a public toilet’ look. I quickly washed my hands, hoping we could both pretend this never happened, but just before I left he called out after me “Do you live on campus!?!?”

With The awesome power of hind sight I can now realize that he just wanted to know if I lived on campus so he could get directions or something. But at that moment I assumed he was trying to make friends. Most people start with a “hello”. The exchanging of names and the asking of general status “I’m good thanks, how are you”. But This person was obviously DESPERATELY reaching out to me. DO YOU LIVE ON CAMPUS!?!? He was so madly craving my friendship he wanted to bypass all formality’s and skip to unveiling the most intimate details of our existence over coffee.

I was up for it.

I answered his inquiry and returned it with a volley of intimate questions! I soon discovered he didn’t even go to this uni at all! He is from Inisvale, visiting a friend who goes here.

Later her would make several attempts to ditch me. I would ask him if he wanted to go for a walk.
He would say “Nah, I was just going to sit on that couch over there and wait for my friend”.
“Good idea!”
During the sitting stage of our relationship he would insist over and over that I should really get back to my writing. I was touched that he was so self sacrificially interesting in my welfare! This made me even more in love with him, and even more determined to extract EVERY detail of his life!

Then I found out he works with bananas (intimately). I laughed! I couldn’t believe I was talking to someone who works with bananas! IN a banana factory.
“That must be fun!” I say. “I think bananas would be a fun fruit to work with!”
He just looks at me. “They’re green when we get them” he says, as if this should explain everything.
“oh” I understand. “No happy colours then?”
“nope”

eventually his promps become so obvious that even I get the picture. But Before I left I asked. “Whats your name by the way?”
“umm… all you need to know is its piper. That’s all you need to know”.
I smiled at him. oh Piper.

Maybe he was taking up a monica while on the sunshine coast, or maybe he just didn’t want me to know his real name. Whatever your real name is Piper, I hope you had fun visiting your friend.

You will be my muse forever more! My muse! Forever more!