I have a wonderful habit, which I have striven to cultivate over a process of several years. I simply form Secret Societies everywhere I go. I have formed so many Secret Societies that I’m sure I have forgotten most of them, which makes them even more secret because even I am not aware of their presence!

Why do you want to form Secret Societies? It fills your life with intrigue and excitement. Truly, who dose not want to go gallivanting off to midnight rituals, or receive coded messages, or feel their pulse rise when they see a police car? Not only dose it make your life more exciting, it makes your life look much much more exciting. Simply mention, ‘Oh, I’m off to my secret meeting now’ and suddenly you are a person of mystery, your life is filled with juicy secrets that others want to sink their teeth into. You’ll soon find you have a small band of followers with notepads, imitating your confident stride. Your name will be whispered on street corners “-insert name- is one of them”. If you are able to maintain the precious balance between absolute secrecy and subtle clues, you could soon have your name entered into over a dozen online conspiracy forums!

How do you create a Secret Society? The actual making of the society is cake. The hard part is catching the opportunity to make one. The key is to stay on your toes. Keep your ears open for an opening in which to form a Secret Society. For instance when someone says “wouldn’t it be funny to decorate trees and sign posts?”, don’t just laugh and agree! Grab their arm tightly, look at them with wild fiery eyes and announce: “We should form a secret society! The U.B.P! The Underground Beautification Police!” Once you have your society, you can proceed to tick off this check list of the most important things to consider:

-         Name. Of course a must as this helps transport your concept from an idea into an actual Secret Society. Consider this, do you want your society to sound suspicious, dangerous, cute, weird etc? What is the image you are trying to project (or conceal). Don’t over look the forever faithful acronym, it has served me well over the years. But don’t be limited to it either.

-         Purpose. I have found this to be the MOST important thing. I have formed a few secret societies that have absolutely no purpose what-so-ever and they usually fall to pieces within a few days. Your purpose can be as simple as maintaining an allusion of mystery when really you are doing math homework, or as devious as painting every mailbox red on the night of December the 6th.

-         Meetings. These are also important. Imagine your society is a body that cannot breath for itself, a meeting is like when you breath into that body, allowing it to stay alive. The length of time your body can hold its breath without totally dieing and needing to be resurrected will depend on the velocity of your members. (Velocity just sounded right, ok?)

-         Exclusivity. You need to define your policies on new members and the level of secrecy to which you hold the group, otherwise controversy will arise when another member blabs about something they shouldn’t.

-         Extras. Are you going to have secret handshakes, code names, passwords, rituals, levels of authority, mood lighting? All of these add drama and mystery to your society, but beware, too many of these extra bits (especially if they hold a purely decorative purpose) can become frustrating and maybe a little pointless. Members have been known to storm out if they are repeatedly required to flawlessly execute the secret full-body handshake.

So put on those dark glasses, whip out the multiple forms of identification and drop the suitcase on the park bench. I’ll be waiting by the wink-wink to A.P.P.X your you-know-what.