They say it’s when you hit rock bottom that you find out who your true friends are. Well why wait? Find out now with the genius Umbrella Experiment. It was one rainy school day when I found out who my real friends were. I had not brought my umbrella to school. What I realised throughout the day, was that I had a perfect gage on which to rate the true integrity of my friendships. How much umbrella were they willing to share with me?

From my observations, you can usually squeeze your “friends” into one of these 6 categorys:

(If any of your “friends” fit into these two categories then you should excommunicate them. Also consider using custard and jelly to somehow publicly humiliate them).

The only child: They wont let anyone under their umbrella. These are the worst people to do assignments with as they always put themselves above others. They are usually fat.

The snake: This person is usually female; they gossip about people behind their backs and pretend to be their friends. They secretly hate you and don’t want to share their umbrella with you but won’t admit it. Although they share the umbrella, they hold it in such a way that it completely covers them and only partly covers you so you get wet anyway.

(Most friends fit into the below two categories. Most umbrellas will only cover two people, three at the max. So it gets really interesting when you have a group of lots of people but only one umbrella holder).

The best friend (for-now): This friend is funny and lets you share your umbrella, but they regard several other friends as being more important to you, and when they come along you are suddenly on the outer rim, feeling run off get under your collar. Don’t invest much emotional energy into them.

The best friend (for-ever): This is just like the (for now) friend except that you rank quite high on their list of important people. You are generally picked over others for the Umbrella treatment. But beware; these people have about as much loyalty as a Siamese emu.

(The two next friends are the best to have around, although their kindness and loyalty may get annoying after a while).

The two shoes: This person is so nice they can’t not let you share their umbrella. If they have multiple people wanting their umbrellical protection they will sacrifice their own umbrella or agree to shuttle people back and forth. They are so friggin nice you just want to put a cheese grater to their head and listen to their screams.

The golden retriever: This person is in your tight circle of friends and you have probably slept over at their house a few times. They reserve their Umbrella exclusively for you and if you don’t call them your best friend, then maybe you should.

But if you aren’t into social politics, then you could always just get one of these babys: yew! sign me up!