Welcome to the 3rd installment of Chardonnay Sunday! This amazing girl with an upside down nose has just swum through the middle of the earth and washed up on a beach in Canada. If you would like to read the last 2 previous story entry’s you can find them here. Otherwise… happy reading!

It was at 4:34pm that Chardonnays life crossed with a homely librarian with a seaside cottage and addiction to embroidery. Gladice was her name, and she was walking along a Canadian beach collecting seashells and mentally cross-stitching when she stumbled across Chardonnay. “A Mermaid!” she gasped in the scratchy voice that can only be produced from years of mindless rock’n roll concerts and cigarette smoke. Confused, Chardonnay looked down at herself and realised that she had accidentally grown a tail on her way through the center of the world. We shall not speak about that journey or how she came by that tail, all you need to know is that if you ever accidentally grow a fish tail, it comes right off with soap. And that’s just what good old Gladice did. She carried Chardonnay home in her strong muscular arms, (she had once been a boxer in the Olympics and had kept her arms toned and strong through stamping return dates) and dropped her in the bathtub. Two hours, 5 bars of soap, and a bottle of sherry later chardonnay was as clean as a whistle; whistles being exceptionally dirty and greasy but that was still an improvement to her previous state. A week, 46 more bars of soap and a whole lot more alcohol later, chardonnay was as clean as a whistle in a non literal sense, meaning that she was, in other words, pristine.

Unfortunately for Gladice, the constant scrubbing motions her arms had endured for a week and two hours had caused her arms to fall off. Chardonnay, appreciative of the kind lady and her two knobbly sacrifices, sat the woman down in a very comfortable, very skwooshy arm chair and made her a cup of tea. Unfortunately the chair, although undoubtedly very comfortable and very skwoochy, was very evil, and instantly got to work swallowing sweet old Gladice into its plump velvet backrest. Now, Chardonnay was an expert tea maker, and was back with a cup of prize-winning tea with almost paranormally faultless portions of both milk and sugar in less than forty seconds. The evil armchair had not anticipated this and had only had enough time to swallow old Gladice’s torso. Chardonnay gasped in dismay and took hold of Gladice’s ankles, heaving with all her might. The arm chair growled at her with such malice only armchairs can express, and then suddenly Chardonnay felt the resistance give and fell back onto a warm rug still holding onto Gladice’s legs. But this was all she was holding onto. Chardonnay sat in a pile of old wrinkly limbs and cried. She imagined old Gladys limbless spirit floating around in heaven and realised that she was not imagining it, but seeing it! The old saying was true! Cleanliness is next to godliness! Gladice had cleaned Chardonnay so well that she had ascended above the ranks of mortality.

…until next time.