I have this reoccurring desire to join the circus. It stirs in me every few months. And when it hits I become deeply and passionately involved in my future as a performer. I start checking out gymnasiums so that i can train and become more flexible, I investigate circus schools and down load the audition requirements for Bachelor of Circus Arts at NICA (the National Institute of Circus Arts). I think about gym memberships to build my upper body strength, I plan to go running every morning and rehearse in a play every night. I convince myself that the only time i feel alive in this world is when i am on a stage, and that i am an amazingly physical person who has exceptional spacial awareness and was born to express himself through physical theater.

But after a week or two, this passion starts to die down. I get discouraged. I realize that it is actually a lot of hard work, that there are other great performers out there, and that I’m probably defiantly not the best. So time slowly squelches my passion until i forget about it. It lyes dormant for months and months while i wander around, pondering my path in life until i am exposed to something circusy and it starts again.

My problem is, I am quite good at a range of different things. I am great at writing, I am great at charity work, I am great at public speaking and acting. But i have never really tried circus arts. And the scared little boy in me says: “Rhys, why would you try that when you are already so fabulous at all these other things! Why try tight rope walking when we have gotten so good at walking down this path together. One foot in front of the other - it couldn’t be easier, but up there you could fall and look stupid“.

Also, writing is my biggest passion, it is what i want to do with my life, and maybe if I become a circus performer I’ll be letting my gift for writing just fall my the way-side? Its not like I’m a ferocious writer as it is, and i feel guilty falling asleep every night knowing I haven’t written anything that day. Some people would say its ok to do a bit of circusing, travel around, experience life, I can always start my writing career later. But i don’t agree with those people. I don’t believe its ok for me not to achieve my absolute potentiol. I expect myself to live an amazing life, to utilize all my talents. So what is the best use of my talents? Writing books? performing in a circus? Starting a charity? I don’t know.

I can feel the seconds peeling off me, one after the other. I am getting thinner and thinner and soon every last moment will have fallen off of me, like autumn leaves. Everybody is walking around like they don’t have expiry dates. Like death is not a 100% certainty. And we all have a target to reach before we die. We all have to reach our potentiol, be all that we can be, change the world. So many people are behind on the race, but I’m not going to let that make me stop running.

So i can’t tell if circus is something i am meant to do. If I am letting the world pull me down and i should stay determined and strong. Or maybe the fact that I am so easily discouraged is a sign that this passion wont last? I never loose faith in my ability to write, but then, I can write, maybe if I practiced circus like i practiced writing i would be just as passionate and sure about it. And yet any form of artistic expression in itself seems very selfish. There are people dieing and crying in this world and it makes me sick to see all these people, including myself, acting like its not their job to fix it. I think the biggest sin is just ignoring that and treating yourself to “experiences” and “self expression”.

So I’m at a cross roads. I’m working until the end of next year, spending almost a month in Israel between January and February and I have this silly idea that God will answer all my questions while I’m in the Holy Land. Next year I’m going to do Uni part time. I don’t plan on finishing my degree because I am so totally disillusioned by the tertiary experience. I have hardly learned anything worth anything from those people (I don’t even like the books that my lecturers have written). I’m going to work. My goal is $18,000 in 18 months. Thats what you need to be classed as independent so you can get Youth Allowance. I don’t understand why the government will only support people that earn a lot but there you go. With government support I will be able to move out, study interstate and do circus school or whatever it is I decide i want to do by then.