Rhys Rodgers.

Welcome back to my weekly serial, which I post every Sunday. Chardonnay (our lovable hero) has just landed in the worlds largest pillow. Read the previous story entry’s here. And don’t be afraid to leave doting comments…

The pillow was five kilometers long and two kilometers wide, made with extra flammable stuffing and all wrapped in a pink floral pillowslip. Despite being the only fire hazard that can be viewed from space, the giant pillow managed to maintain a relitivly un-burnt existence. That is, until the autumn of 1984. Until this point Chardonnay lived for several years as the pillows sole resident. However, the years took their wear and little chardonnay grew restless of the same pink floral print and decided to treat herself to a stint of fire twirling. Need I say more? The locals were naturally quiet upset to see their profitable tourist attraction burnt down, but, as it was later pointed out in the book Stupidest Things Ever it was really their fault for not foreseeing the likelihood of a young girl falling from the sky, living inside the pillow, and eventually following the natural arsonistic tendencies present within all members of her gender.

Now, it is the natural way of things for all towns people in times of crisis, to form a raging mindless mob which chases down the offending party, skewering them with pitchforks and while waving torches in manic fashion. These particular towns people were not the sharpest tools in the shed, and it took them several precious minutes to make the vital transition from ‘shocked but rural’ to ‘mindlessly enraged’. These minutes wasted were due to the fact that their pitchforks, being just as blunt as their minds, had to be sharpened before the could stampeded with any dignity. But by the time they were ready to skewer Chardonnay on sight, it was too late.

Chardonnay had already escaped the inferno just in time to be “discovered” by a travelling band of bohemian circus performers of mediocre talent. They were looking for someone who could blow things up. But with flare. Chardonnay had donned a pair of sparkly red tights and the stage name The Little Bang Bang before you could say, “you will be paid in old bread”. And that is how Chardonnay spent her moody adolescence. Sulking in her caravan and blowing things up. She was possibly the most sought after blower-upera in the industry and soon gained a place on the world stage. Her little band of bohemian travelling performers became an awe-inspiring circus with a $140 admission fee ($120 if you are a child under 12 or pensioner). They upgraded to a new big top that was red and sparkly, with monkeys super glued to the sides. They were each called Jimbo, and were forced to dance for the customers who threw popcorn at them. They were eventually driven into a state of madness, and this was used as a quirky sales pitch: “End your night with a bang, by mocking the psychotic tent monkeys”. This was great for business and Chardonnay became a millionaire several times over with her stock market holdings in old bread. But it wasn’t enough for The Little Bang Bang…