Welcome back to my weekly serial. Our Protagonist Chardonnay is now a sullen teenager who is blowing up things in an internationally acclaimed circus. You can read the other Chardonnay Sundays here. If you are not Luke, please leave a comment and tell me if you adore Chardonnay, just so I know someone is reading her. Thanks

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Her last performance was said to be the pinnacle of her arsonistic career, a show at the White House for the president of the United States of America. Chardonnay would always remember that night. She blew things up like she had never blown things up before. She blew up a cat. She blew up one of the president’s dogs, and she blew up a barrel of Nitrate Glycerine. Unfortunately, chardonnay had never taken science class, all she had been educated about was different types of blowing up, and apparently Nitro Glycerine was the best. Needless to say, everything in a certain radius was destroyed, including Chardonnays incredibly important and amazed audience. All that was left was a crater of black rubble and a very abashed teenaged girl. “Sorry” were the words she mumbled on live television broadcasted all across the world.

Needless to say Americans are very forgiving people and not only forgave her but gave her a gift basket filled with pears and words of understanding. Coincidently there was an election held the next week, and a group of feminists, having voted chardonnay as the most influential woman to shake America chose to rally for her as the next president. The entire female side of America voted for her and chardonnay instantly went to work building a giant jungle gym in place of the White House were all the monkeys of the world could come and swing and be free. Over the following year chardonnay made great sweeping amendments. Such as silly-hat-Monday, upside-down-Tuesday, cartwheel-Wednesday, cowboy-(every-second)-Thursday and Purple-Friday. She became an expert in the art of origami in order to defend herself from cartwheeling, silly hat wearing, cowboy ninjas who were not impressed by Chardonnays improvements. Eventually a cluster of excessively big nosed politicians invented a law that sounded something like: “If a president of the United States uses excessive paper folding violence, said president is unfit to rule”.

Chardonnay was forced into an unavoidable course of action. She had no other option but to fly out of the country in her private presidential plane, shoot the pilot in the head so he wouldn’t remember were he had taken her, and then leap out of the plain (before it crashed into the Swiss alps) and gracefully parachute down onto the deserted highlands of Russia. This was all so that the once forgivable Americans could not stalk her down and kill her. As it turned out, they were greatly resentful of the fact that she had forced them to face their inner children through various creative adjustments to their otherwise sinisterly serious legal system. Needless to say, their inner children were very violent and lacking in fundamental social skills such as the understanding of the badness of murder. Chardonnay spent several years underground, switching from one secret identity to the next in her quest to shake of the American ninjas who, for some unknown reason, continued to cartwheel and wear funny hats. The term “underground” here is used in a literal sense, as you will soon realise, for as Chardonnay grew into a beautiful woman, so did she grow into her alternate identity… “The mole queen”.