Welcome back to my weekly serial. Read previous episodes of Chardonnays life story here. In case you don’t remember, Chardonnay has now blossomed into a young woman who goes by the title of The Mole Queen.

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Of course the title of The Mole Queen did not refer to Chardonnay’s mole-like kingdom of tunnels she had gradually developed with the assistance of desperate Russian peasants. No, it is actually in reference to the unsightly growths that developed across Chardonnay’s skin while she ruled her underground empire. Chardonnay searched high and low for a cure to her hideous deformity, but more specifically, low. Already being underground Chardonnay explored her empire of rocky tunnels, searching for a very shiny rock, which she could rub on her skin. This was based on her substantial knowledge of G-Rated animations in which shiny rocks invariably feature as the cure for everything. Eventually Chardonnay found an entire Cavan of these rocks, despite the incredible unlikelihood of this event occurring, and preceded to wallow amongst the pointy little things. Although Chardonnay lost a lot of blood from the many stab marks in her body, she would claim it was well worth it. Not only did these rocks make her moles disappear but they also made her bottom incredibly slippery. For weeks after the event, if Chardonnay attempted to sit on her freshly mole-free hiney, she would go whooshing around her subterranean kingdom for several frictionless hours.

Being underground has a very capitalistic effect on the mind, (because of all the magnetic minerals and constant dripping noises) and so if wasn’t long until Chardonnay decided to mass produce these rocks, with the fail-proof reasoning of this hypothesis: “Everybody wants a slippery, mole free bottom”. As it turned out chardonnay was entirely accurate about the publics secret desire to slip around on their bottoms and she quickly put her underground empire to use packaging and shipping these shiny rocks. Unfortunately the rocks were incredibly spiky, and bottom injuries rose 6,000% to the point where some statistics quoted that you were more likely to cripple your bottom, than to age. After several years of bottom bleeding, Chardonnay smartly modified her product into a smooth non-injurious substance called “bum slip” just in time for a generation of bottom surgeons to graduate from university, with humongous debts and no practical applications for their skills. They formed an angry mob of bottom surgeons who roamed the countryside, burning houses and searching for Chardonnays underground empire. Meanwhile, Chardonnay was awarded the Global Everything Prize for discovering a pollution free form of transportation that doubled as cosmetics. Everything seemed to be going wonderfully, or was it?