Rhys Rodgers.

Lately I have been thinking about spaces. Spaces where people interact with other people and communitys can develop and everything is beautiful. I have been thinking about how it is socially acceptable to walk in and out of shops owned by strangers, but not to walk in and out of strangers houses. I have been thinking about what it is that stops people from talking in elevators or reading poetry on street corners. I think it is the same thing that stops us from walking in and out of strangers houses. I want to find a way to make my house like a shop. A traffic zone. Maybe I could sell free cups of tea. This all comes under the beautiful heading of: The Paper Thin Walls That Divide Us. I am interested in these walls. It is one of my life missions to burn them all down.

Also I have been thinking about Love. And how humans were designed to be in relationships. God created the stars and the moon and said it was good. he made the plants and the animals and said they were good. But when He created man he said “it is not good for man to be alone.” Humans were made for love like fish were made for water. And i have just decided to love everyone, and everything and every circumstance. Just to love. All the time. My life will become an epic romance with all of creation. Not sure how this will work but I will try.

Lately I have been thinking about how sometimes when I am around people I become massivly depressed. There seems to be no direct cause for this. I’ve decided to document my emotional states and record the environmental factors. By the end of the experiment i will understand what makes me happy and sad and then i can control these things and be excellent 100% of the time. Anyway - I have figured out one of the factor. Self awarness. You know how when you were a little kid you could wear the daggiest clothes in the world and you were fine, because you didn’t think about what other people thought of you. You had minimal self awareness. When I hang with my family I am almost always happy because i am not self coinsious, i have very small self awareness. But when I am around certain people I feel jealous, inadequate, inferior. I feel threatened, judged or just unliked. I am painfully aware of… myself. I like these people, but I don’t like that I allow myself to compare myself to them and then feel yucky… I am working on becomeing more childlike, more un-selfcoinsious. This is important to me.

I have been to Kondalilla Falls twice this weekend. It is a beautiful place. So good. But I am currently emotionally exhasted. I want a long hot bath. I want somebody who I can pour all my thoughts out to. Someone who truely truely truely understands exactly what I am saying. Who has thought these very same things and who belives in holding hands. Is there such a being - if I found them, surely they would destroy me. They would ruin me for all other company. Maybe this perfect person exists in little peices in all my friends. Ones I have and haven’t met yet. Maybe I have to look for the peices of this perfect person in others. Maybe there is at least a tiny fleck fo this perfect person in everyone. This will be a difficult relationship…